Niceness is not Kindness

Written By Erika Chalkley

This is a really great reframe when starting to work with patterns of being too nice.

As women we are taught to be people-pleasing, accommodating, and to stay small in order to survive in the world. I call this ‘niceness’.

We are taught that this is good and that we are good, worthy women for it. This is BS.

But niceness is not kindness.

It’s not kind for SO many reasons.

Here are some:

~ it’s based on a lie. It stems from the idea that you are less valuable than others. That their comfort, wellbeing and preferences are more important than your own. It doesn’t recognise the truth of your equal worth. It stems from and perpetuates the lie that you are ‘less than’.

~ You have to deny/disconnect from your own needs and desires in order to be nice. Which at best leaves you deeply undernourished and exhausted, and at worst is so profound that you end up having no idea who you are or what you want.

~ It doesn’t have choice in it. You aren’t choosing to put other people first, it’s all you’ve been taught/know how to do. If you can’t say no, you can’t truly say yes. That means what is given is not offered freely and leads to building frustration and resentment.

~ You’re being dishonest. Because you’ve learnt to get your needs met through relationships. Being nice keeps you showing up as the version of ‘you’ that you think other people want, rather than as who you truly are. You don’t say what you really think, you’re unable to challenge or share of yourself fully. This is a loss to you, the other person and the intimacy of the relationship.

I could go on...

This is strong medicine, but essential for seeing through the lies we have Embodied.

Go gently with it. No blame/shame.

Ask yourself regularly:

~ Am I seeing myself as equal here?

~ Am I in touch with my needs?

~ Can I say no to this?

~ Am I being honest?

~ Is this nice or kind?

~~~~~

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Erika Chalkley
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