How Getting Softer Made Me Braver
Last month, halfway through leading a group programme, I noticed a familiar tension creeping into my shoulders.
A participant had just shared something vulnerable, and my old pattern began to surface - the urge to step in, to fix, to hold everything perfectly.
Behind that urge lay an old familiar fear:
What if I wasn't enough? What if I failed them?
I paused. Felt my feet on the floor. Took a slow breath. Rested back. Softened.
And instead of rushing to respond, I allowed the silence to hold us all.
This moment crystallised how far I'd come.
In my early days of facilitation and running a business, my fear drove everything.
I'd leave every group session completely depleted.
I’d pour all my energy into holding everyone's emotions, anticipating every need, managing every moment - terrified of getting it wrong.
By the end of each session, my body would ache from carrying the weight of everyone's experience.
The thought of growing my groups terrified me. If supporting eight women drained me this much, how could I possibly hold space for more?
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Over time, I began to see that the harder I tried to push through my fears, the less I was able to actually achieve and the less effective I became.
Forcing myself through my fears, caused my nervous system to go into overdrive, my creativity to freeze, and my impact to shrink.
The counter-intuitive wisdom I discovered:
Softness is the key to bravery!
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Let me some of my mentees recent experiences as examples:
One of my mentees recently faced an intimidating meeting with senior bureaucrats, one that she’d usually find very stressful and draining.
But, with my support, she’s been learning to soften and resource as a foundational practice.
So this time, instead of spending hours rehearsing and worrying as she used to, she decided to resource herself ahead of the meeting. She arranged to meet a good friend at her favourite café beforehand, giving herself time to land in her body and connect with comforting support.
The result? She arrived at the meeting grounded and present, communicating with natural confidence. The meeting went brilliantly, and she wasn't exhausted afterwards.
By getting softer with herself first, she accessed a deeper kind of bravery - one that flowed from being rooted and resourced rather than running on adrenaline.
Hurrah!
Another mentee has discovered this as a key practice in her marketing.
She used to force herself to be visible, pushing through resistance only to end up drained, creatively blocked and resistant to showing up again.
Now, she dedicates every Monday morning to self-care - walking in nature, enjoying her body, journaling and connecting with what truly matters.
Since making this shift, she’s sharing her work more boldly, with an ease that's surprised her. She’s holding larger groups and reaching out to more collaborators.
“I’m doing all the things that I used to find so hard! And I’m enjoying them!”
This didn’t come through force, but through being gentle, resourced and following pleasure.
The Conditioning That Keeps Us Pushing
Our culture tells us that success requires constant productivity, pushing through resistance, and overriding our limits and fears. We're taught that rest is laziness, that sensitivity is weakness, that our bodies' signals should be ignored in service of achievement and forcing outcomes.
But, when we're in constant push mode, our bodies interpret it as danger.
We move into survival responses:
Fight (overworking, proving, forcing)
Flight (procrastination, avoidance)
Freeze (creative blocks, paralysis)
Fawn (people-pleasing, overgiving)
This pattern keeps us disconnected from our deeper wisdom and stuck in downward cycles of depletion (which ironically, lead to more fear!)
The key to changing this dynamic lies in resourcing ourselves before expanding.
Just like a tree draws up nutrients before growing bigger or producing fruit.
When we do this:
Our nervous system connects to safety and support
Our creativity and energy flows naturally
Our authentic courage and confidence emerges
Our capacity for visibility grows with ease
Our impact expands sustainably and predictably.
And it actually feels good along the way!!
So, if you want to be bolder and braver in 2025, know that it starts by getting softer and gentler with yourself today.
How I can help you embody this approach:
"Rest and Receive" - a cozy six-week winter container for ambitious women who've worked hard all year and are longing to reconnect with what truly matters for 2025.
Through guided weekly practice and live 'wild idling' sessions, we'll create sacred space for you to exhale, process, contemplate, and access your deepest wisdom. No performance metrics, no optimization - just pure, nourishing restoration.
Experience a more relaxed festive season, and start 2025 replenished and reconnected.
Live sessions begin December 11th 2024, Tuesdays 5:30-7:00pm UK time.
All sessions: December: 11th & 18th, January: 8th, 15th & 22nd
